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{ Try } Give What You Want!

Recently a good friend of mine shared with me that she was frustrated and angry at her husband because he wasn’t making her feel special. He never complimented her anymore or let her know he appreciated her. I listened as she grew more and more upset and pissed off. When she finally stopped to take a breath I asked her what actions she was taking to make him feel special, loved and appreciated?

After an initial react attack: “What?! That’s not what this is about! He does this… he doesn’t do that ….”

She took a few breaths, pondered the question once again, softened into her body and replied that in fact she wasn’t doing much at all.

Here’s the thing.

Often, what we most want to receive from our partner, when we’re not actually giving to ourselves.

Yes. I know. Huge. I’m gonna say it again.

What we most want to receive from our partner is something we’re not giving out ourselves.

Let’s dive into this a little further because this nugget of gold was a total game changer within my own relationship.

Side whisper: I used to love a good finger point and a bit of the old “blame game” bizzo.  I would find some weird comfort in pretending I had no ‘power’ over the situation and I was a victim to my circumstances. It was revo-freaking-lutionary when finally understood that I was actually the one creating my reality and I held the power to change it!

So let’s say you haven’t been feeling the love lately within your relationship. You could complain, get angry, withdraw and build up resentment;

Or

You could shift the focus from them to you and find ways in which you can recharge the relationship love juice! For example, you could busy yourself with directing your loving energy at them (rather than frustration) and find ways to show your partner just how much you love them, daily. Yes, daily! You could commit to speaking loving words, give loving touch, praising them in front of friends, or find out their love language is!

Not feeling appreciated by your partner? Focus your energy towards appreciating the shiz outta them! Thank them for the tiniest of things, show your gratitude, find ways to let them know just how much they mean to you. Connect with them. Find the space to make them feel important and valued.

See where I’m going with this…

It’s a universal law that what we give out we get back.

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind. Which means if all you’re doing is complaining and nagging, chances are you’re not going to be receiving the good stuff anytime soon, you feelin’ me sexy mama?!

It is also true that what we focus our energy on,  expands. So if you’re only focusing on all the not-so-amazing stuff within your relationship, that negativity and discontent is just going to magnify. But when we shift our attention to what is working and focus our energy on creating more of the ‘good’ stuff- you got it – that’s what will multiply, as if by magic.

But wait, just more thing…

Don’t just give to get! You must feel in your heart the true authenticity of what you’re giving out. It has to be a clean and clear loving exchange. Any expectation of ‘return on investment’ will kink the system and you’ll be right back to where you started.

So give from the heart. Not the head.

Want to give a go?

Choose something you desire more of in your relationship (or life). Write it down. Now. Now ask yourself, Am I freely and wholeheartedly giving that out into the universe? Am offering what I desire? Am I putting it out there without expectation for it to be returned to me? Be honest. Now commit to yourself that for the next  30 days and you’ll do just that! You will sprinkle your love, appreciation, romance, kindness, etc whatever it is you wrote down, all over the world with a loving heart and zero attachment to the outcome. You will give, not to get, but just to give.

Let me now how it goes in the comments below!!

*****This is NOT an excuse for abuse by the way. If your partner is a A-grade douche, it may be time to reassess the relationship! Do not mistake the above as an excuse or solution to stay in an abusive or destructive partnership.

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2 Comments

  1. Colleen Keith

    Love this and totally understand the ideas! I notice when I’m all busy and distracted and not making affection a priority, my partner becomes more distant and less affectionate as well. So I’ve been making a point to write down something I’m grateful for about him every morning, and just give him hugs and love at every spare opportunity – like waiting for the water to boil or walking past him to another room. When I do that, I get it right back from him and it’s just a lovely little cycle <3

    Reply
  2. Inneka

    Hey Bella!! I absolutely love this blog!!! It’s sooo true & just recently I was feeling similar issues to all of this. I was nagging, blaming and pointing that finger, followed with the silent treatment (haha) I had my own lightbulb moment and it allowed me to realise that I wasnt speaking his love language either. I felt devastated by this and in the same weekend I worked on speaking his, he naturally began speaking mine. It’s taken me a long time to not allow that stubborn streak in me to make excuses against this theory but it’s sooo true. Sometimes we just gotta shut our egos up haha!! Love love love Tara!!! Xox

    Reply

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