“It’s hard to plan for the future when I don’t feel like you’re all in”
I remember those exact words like it was yesterday. They sliced through my heart with such cut throat honesty they left me reeling.
He was right
I wasn’t all in
Tomek and I had been together two years and I was getting antsy. I wanted to know ‘where we were heading?’
And so I pressed him about our future. I wanted something concrete. I needed a plan. A time-line.
The discussion turned into a heated debate and then into a fight. And as per usual, I fled. Drowning in my own ‘victim’ story, I played out the blame game with well-rehearsed precision, reciting all the reasons why “we just wouldn’t work” over and over in my mind.
I need someone more spiritual, more into yoga. I probably need a vegan. He won’t ever be able to fully handle me. I’m too much for him. I bet he thinks I’m crazy. That’s it! I’m moving to India to find a myself a guru tantric lover type who is also super business savvy and likes to binge watch Netflix on a Sunday night.
Returning to our apartment, convinced it was over (again) I found Tomek waiting for me. He asked me to sit down and taking my hand, he told me he loved me and that he wanted to plan out our future but he just didn’t feel safe enough (gut punch one)
When stuff got hard I would always bolt, he said. When things became tricky I’d clam up and shut him out. When he disagreed with me, I’d fire off unfairly and now he didn’t want to open up to me anymore (gut punch two)
His words left me breathless. Everything he said was…. correct.
I was down for the good times, but ready to leg it when sh*t got tough. I loved him hard when things were right, but began looking over his shoulder when things went wrong.
I had one foot in ‘the relationship’ and the other ‘out the door’
I wasn’t all in. Not even close.
Right then and there I knew I had to make a choice. I either choose to show up one hundred and one percent to this relationship or I walk away.
And if I chose to stay – to be radically committed to creating a loving partnership with this man – well, shiz would have to change.
I had to be prepared for the not-so-perfect to show up. I’d have to stay instead of run and practice remaining open when my ego wanted me to close off.
I would have to sit in the discomfit, face the fear, share the feelings, and stay committed to love even when we were in the middle of a giant sh*t storm.
I’d also have to face off with some of my old BS behaviors. Recognize where I was out of integrity and give up some of my old self-soothing go-toos that didn’t align with what I wanted to create (good bye occasional text to the ex)
It wasn’t just as simple as a yes or no…
It was a freaking life-changing corker of a decision!!
And it’s one I make anew every. single. day and continue to do so even 5 years on.
I choose us. I choose this relationship. I choose you.
I reckon it’s the best decision I ever made. And the single most important thing I do on the regular for my relationship.
Something to ponder:
What are you choosing? Are you in all the way?
*** side note. This is not an excuse for abuse. If you’re with a real douche canoe, don’t keep re-committing to that. Love yourself first. I’m huge on self-responsibility but never to the detriment of your soul, safety, sanity or self. Ya, feel me.
I love ya!