I used to sleep with milk on my face.
Yes. Yup. Uh-huh. Milk.
When I was still in primary school, each night I would get into bed and very carefully I’d lay milk sodden tissues over my entire face. I was convinced that this nightly and very messy/stinky milk trick would fade my freckles and I would finally be free of my freckly ‘curse’.
It never worked (shocker!)
In my teens, I tried fading cream. In my twenties, I used painful lasers to try and burn those suckers off. But they would only come back…darker.
As my freckles (naturally) started to fade in time, it was my weight that became my new enemy. And so I went into combat with my body once again. Eventually, my “get skinny crusade” turned into what would be a very long battle with disordered eating.
You see where I’m going with this, right?
It was always “something” that needed fixing. There was always something that I had to change, do, or have in order to feel I was attractive, worthy or loveable enough.
The thing was, I could drop the weight, plump the lips, stop the wrinkles but inside my heart and mind there was still that voice whispering – you’re not good enough.
It took me a long time to realize that I was stuck in a cycle of self-loathing and even longer to learn that I was still me on the inside no matter what I changed on the outside. It was the “voice” that was the issue, not my thighs.
There were times that I was convinced that the voice would never go away and the pain I felt from not being ‘enough’ was incurable. I knew the answer was self-love and gratitude and all that jazz but it all felt just out of reach. I was secretly convinced self-love was only reserved for those who had their sh*t together. You know those chicks who wear bright coloured yoga pants while drinking a green smoothie in downward dog and at the same time donate money to a school for disabled kids in Africa.
Yeah, I know.
But you know what, now in my thirties it finally has. That pain in the arse inner voice has grown silent… most of the time.
There are times I slip up and I hear the nasty girl soundtrack in my mind go off at high volume, but I’m better now at changing the record.
Also, wanna know a secret?
For a year now I’ve had vitiligo. It’s a skin condition that attacks your pigmentation. I have white patches all over my chest and groin area and it’s spread to my chin and around my eyes.
It kinda makes me look a bit like a panda.
And whilst I don’t love it, I don’t really mind it. It’s there, but it doesn’t have an effect on me. I’m not madly looking for cures or camouflages. It just is, what it is.
Because here’s the thing,
I got so tired of not living a full life. I grew so bored of berating myself, bringing myself down, hating on every. single. little thing. Choosing to stay stuck in my self-imposed boohoo land of unworthiness was locking me out of my own life and it was dull!
And so I made a decision and took some action. I decided that crappy inner voice and all its conditions and judgments and BS stories will no longer hold me back from everything I truly, truly wanted in my one precious lifetime. It wasn’t porcelain skin, or a size 6 figure.
It was love, connection, play, laughter, growth and pleasure.
Turns out I can have all of that even if I look like a panda!
And so if I could share only one thing from my heart to yours. It wouldn’t be a sexy sex trick but a plea to lean towards love. And if self-love feels too hard at the moment then self-compassion and if compassion feels too much then 5 minutes every day place your hand on your heart and tell yourself “you’re ok”
From one sexy little panda to another radiant woman…
You are enough. Go get your bliss baby!